If you haven’t heard by now, atomic scientists have moved the Doomsday clock to its closest time to midnight in 64 years, all this past Thursday. That’s something considering most of us had no idea there even was a Doomsday clock until now. Those sneaky little atomic scientists and their “clocks.”

When I first got a look at the Doomsday clock, I’m not gonna lie – I was pretty disappointed. It would have made so much more sense for it to be in a cuckoo style, where when the hand reaches midnight, little, mechanical people run out screaming and then instantly start melting because they shouldn’t have gone outside. Maybe something to work on for the next 64 years, “scientists.” I mean, you had all this time and THIS is what you bring to the table? Is that even a real clock?

REUTERS/Jim Bourg                                   Nice poster board “clock” dummies.

 

Anyway, with the ban on an entire religion of people coming into the country (except from countries where Trump has business interests of course), I’ve been really starting to feel the panic of an actual Doomsday approaching.

Obviously, banning an entire group of people based on religion is not only un-American but morally reprehensible.  We accept all religions! Even the really stupid ones like Scientology! We embrace Tom Cruise and his three front teeth (seriously, now that you know this, you’ll never be able to unsee it again). It’s what makes us Americans, damnit! We don’t deny people their right to practice their religion in this country. That’s what Hitler and the Nazis did. And you don’t find many people who go around promoting that type of thing today in 2017… well, except the current President of the United States and his entire cabinet. And his voters who still defend him. And this asshole.

 

Douchebag numero uno, Richard Spencer

 

 

So, if you’re like me, and you go to bed every single night terrified of the future, I’ve put a little something together here to get you prepared for Doomsday, which, as we know now, is closer than ever before.

Here is a list of ideas to help you plan for civilization’s inevitable demise.

FOOD

Televangelist Jim Bakker knows what’s up when it comes to preparing for the end of days. He’s been promoting his “food buckets” on TV now for years. This one sells for $650 containing a year of food with a 25-year shelf life. So say if 2017 doesn’t push that little ticker to midnight, you’re good for at least another 24 years with this four bucket set.

You can even decorate your house with his food buckets!

It’s interesting because this lil’ nut of a man has a whole website devoted to the end of days and products you can buy for survival. Interesting because the religious right has vocally supported Trump this whole time, and now that we’re closer to Doomsday, these products are going to fly off the shelf! What a great business model!!! High five, Jimbo!

Also, get some boxes of these guys.

 

This Maine school has held onto the same Twinkie for over 37 years! Now that’s a shelf-life I can get behind.

 

Mountain House …Just in Case

I love that this bucket of food from Mountain House is called “Just in Case.” So casual. Here’s a 30 year supply of gross, just-add-water, food for survival…just in case. No biggie. I am totally intrigued by the Lasagna, however. Next time I’m invited to a pot luck I’m bringing this bucket and throwing the packets at people as they walk by the table.

SHELTER

 

At the time of this post, there were 32 reviews on Amazon for this book by Floyd Delrose. I have come to the conclusion that the positive reviews belong to guys who are completely insane conspiracy theorists, and the negative reviews are from kidnappers whose victims were successful in escaping their “shelters.”But pretty much from here on out, anyone who buys this book has a completely legit reason to. Information that will certainly come in handy.

Ballistic Storm Shelter 

While the company that puts these things out makes no claims of protection against nuclear war, they do promise to keep you safe against any war mother nature may wage with you and your loved ones (hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes). It also boasts protection against active shooters – so Betsy DeVos, you may want to consider using some of that taxpayer money you take out of the public school system to invest in some of these. Even just as a shed to store all your “bear protection” in.

These shelters hold five adults and ten children. I have no idea how they came to this conclusion, but I’m just repeating the manufacturer’s suggested occupancy.

Oh yeah, and the smallest model is $22,000.

Picking up the Complete Survival Shelters Handbook is an excellent alternative to buying a premade shelter because you may only have the elements and nature to work with while trying to survive. I recommend keeping this book with all your important documents so you can grab it quickly when fleeing your home.

Remember back in 2015 when the idea of Tiny Houses really took off and we were all like, “aw how quaint!” and they started making all those Tiny House documentaries that you can watch on Netflix? Well, now you might actually be living in one, in the woods, while hiding from the government, so take notes. Weeeeeee!

GEAR

 

There are a ton of survival kits out there you can purchase that come with stuff like knives, flashlights, rope, all that. This one seemed pretty complete, though I’ve never even been camping so I’m not the right person to tell you if a survival kit is “complete.” I just go based on what I think I’ve seen in movies where people need to survive. That’s the kind of happy, safe, privileged life I’ve led.

This camo poncho doubles as a tent – which will come in MUCH more handy than the bright yellow Mickey Mouse rain poncho you got at Disney.

 

AND WATCH THESE MOVIES NOW

Here is a list of movies I have seen that I believe might be helpful while you prepare for Doomsday.

The Survivalist – This movie was totally weird, but then again, so is the apocalypse, amirite?

The Martian – Get some ideas on growing food where food shouldn’t be allowed to grow.

Mad Max: Fury Road – We’re probably two years off from this type of world, but we’re getting there.

Black Moon – This movie haunts my dreams. It portrays a gender war but in a really surreal way. Which is how it feels these days. So get used to it.

And there you have it. Hopefully this list of ideas will help you survive Doomsday when it reaches us…if they ever get that clock fixed. Happy planning! xo